Toronto--Theodore Nippentuk is a typical Canadian. During the long, dark hours of winter, he finds solace in his cozy lair snacking on various treats - treats which embroiled him in one of the most terrifying events of his life.
It was January. The winds howled, the snow blew, the salt-trucks spewed. He had just snapped on the TV and settled in with a bowl of goodies when there was an aggressive knock on the door.
"Open up, Nippentuk! We know you're in there! We have a warrant!"
Heart pounding, head rushing, Theodore peeked through the spy hole and saw strangers outside.
"Wh-who is it?" he asked.
"Canadian Diabetes Association. We have reason to believe you have a bowl of wine gums and other contraband inside your residence. If you don't open up, we will break the door down!"
You may be asking yourself how this is possible. You know Canada is run by bossy intrusive meddlers, with Ontario being among the worst, but how can private health associations be raiding people's pantries looking for universally legal products that are now also banned? Confusing, isn't it?
Under the Ontario Liberal government's new legislation, the Public Safety Related to Confectionery Act, a private charity is now enforcing the law in Ontario, deciding what people can and cannot shove into their cuke-holes. You thought I was going to say cake, right? Not in this province, not any more.
Ridiculous? Uncalled-for? You're right. But Ontarians let this happen. The government is already dictating almost every aspect of people's lives.
It is a short hop from telling folk what kind of dog to get to making sure they aren't enjoying items on the prohibited list: wine gums, Bounty bars, cakes, pies or substantially similar products, unless the amounts are controlled and registered with the CDA annually. For a fee.
What happened to Theodore? His candies and cakes were seized and he was charged under the Act with buying in bulk to save money on illegal quantities of prohibited sweets. He was given a random glucose test and found to be on the cusp of a high reading. His BMI was not good, his muscle tone flabby. He had to appear at Boot Camp Fitness for a period of not less than six months, twice weekly, to get into shape and had to stick to fresh fruit (no pineapple, banana or juice), and sugar-free treats. He had mandatory blood screens every six weeks to ensure compliance.
The next time you are buying sweet things, especially at the Bulk Farm, make sure nobody is watching. Pay cash. Wear a hat. Ontario and its private enforcement squads won't tolerate scofflaws who should know better.
Remember, it's for your own good.